I felt great about catching up on Tuesday. When I went to bed I was a hair below 20,000 words. I knew that Wednesday would be tough because it was going to be a 12-14 hour day at work. I knew I'd get home at 9 PM at the earliest. I hoped I'd have the energy to write. I did not. As with most events where I have to be Super Me, I was wiped out. I went to bed, knowing that I'd have day two of being Super Me on Thursday. I hoped that since it would end much earlier, and I'd likely be home by 6-ish, I'd be able to catch up. Instead, I was wiped out, and felt completely sapped of creative energy. Actually, I felt sapped of ANY energy. And I could feel the snarly little tendrils of depression begin to creep in.
By Friday I was fully engulfed. Today I either numbed out or laid in bed in my darkened room, occasionally weeping for no good damned reason that I could name. At one point, I was recalling times I felt I'd failed my children as a mother. My brain was in deep search of memories that would support the biochemical wonk going down. My litany is like so:
- Simply Red – Money's Too Tight [To Mention] (and it is, and I'm serious, my cupboard is bare and we've eaten all the things you only eat when you're desperate)
- Tracy Bonham – Mother Mother (because I'm worried to death about my kid in Portland, see lack of funding and other joys)
- Danger Mouse – Dark Night Of The Soul - Feat. David Lynch (because I'm having one, and it's freaking my shit out)
- Little Comets – A Little Opus (actually writing a book is a BFD to me, one deeply tied to my identity and doing it, even as a shitty first draft is seriously messing with me)
- Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun (as much as I love the rain and fog, I now know without a doubt that I have SAD and that and my Oregon allergies are making ME sad)
- The Dresden Dolls – The Perfect Fit (just work anxiety and generally falling apart and feeling inadequate angst)
- Everclear – Everything To Everyone (because this month I also decided to try to be a GS leader and all the other things)
I could go on. I won't. I'm trying to take care of myself, to honor where I am and what I'm struggling with, to make some GD room for life happening the way it really is happening, rather than how I want it to be happening. Maybe I can give myself another month to finish my book. Maybe I won't win NaNoWriMo this year. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it's not. Honestly, I'm too dark to even care right now. So I'll go read and huddle under the covers and eventually this will past. Has to. Simon & Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence
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