lessons from 3 days of NaNoWriMo

The number one thing I know? Committing to do something without any accountability (other than what I set for myself) is harder than doing it because I paid for a class. The number two thing? I am a PRO at productive procrastination. There is nowhere the dishes can hide, no dust that can escape the broom. Friend or family member has a problem? Well I am THERE and it is then JUSTIFIED productive procrastination. The intarwebs have never been so well read, my Facebook status has never been so well attended. And now is the perfect time, of course, to add a little daily exercise and home cooking to the mix. Why the hell not? Productive procrastination. I am an expert.

Still, I have managed to stay above the line for the daily average, meaning I'm not setting myself up to have to do some crazy amount of writing in one day, and I think that is a good thing for me. Otherwise it would be so easy to just hang it up till next year (again).

I am fighting, on a daily basis - hell, on an HOURLY basis - the certain knowledge that I'm a mediocre writer, my work is neither scary enough or funny enough, and I am convinced, CONVINCED, that everyone else is brilliant on their first draft. Giving myself permission to write a shitty first draft in no way really makes it okay to my inner editor, who can only be silenced by alcohol, and I just ain't doin' that. The battle feels Herculean, like a life battle, like a fight for my soul and I can see how some people feel that doing something like this is a spiritual undertaking.

The writing, to date, is halting or in fits and bursts. It is nowhere near as smooth as my essay writing. It is work. But 2013 is my year of doing the things I've always said I want to do, dammit, and this is not going to break me. I will finish.

I do fear I will finish and then, in the post-partum blues stage I will convince myself that I was never meant to write fiction. How do people deal with the next month, when the editing starts? Do NaNoWriMo groups stay in touch? Do they workshop? Do they pick up the pieces of broken dreams and egos? Ah, the last is probably too much to ask. But I do have some anxiety around it.

It was nice to end my first week with this:

But can I do it a second week? With work kicking in tomorrow? Oi... why can't I ever take the blue pill?