Not crazy, over-the-top, unreal happy, but pleasant and not in the depths of depression happy, which is maybe more like content, but either way, it's due to getting the dose right on my meds. Thank. The. Gods.
One of the things I hate the most about depression is how it warps my view of myself and how I perceive others to be reacting to me. When I'm in the dark depths, I am convinced that everyone can see all my flaws just like I can, that they all know what an imposter and faker I am, and that they're hating me for it. I can FEEL it, and sometimes my ear matrixes sound so that I can almost hear it. Even though I know what I'm feeling and perceiving isn't real and isn't permanent, it doesn't take away the horribleness of that feeling. Sorry mindfulness and positive-psych-pushers. It's all well and good to cognate, but the underlying feeling of SHITE is still there, and still sucks, and still needs medication (for some of us) to go away.
This needs to be the time I don't shame myself for taking medication, and in a few more weeks, when I feel like sometime approaching normal and my perception of myself and the people around me is something approaching real, I need to not try to convince myself that I really don't need serotonin. Because I do. And that's just how it is.
Anyhoo, I thought an update was due, so here 'tis. I'm not out of the dark yet, but I'm in the light gray, at least, and that's just fine.
"Even though I know what I'm feeling and perceiving isn't real and isn't permanent, it doesn't take away the horribleness of that feeling."
ReplyDeleteThere's a saying I like to use. "Real but not true". The emotions are very real but what they emotions are saying to us may not be true. Ex. Anxiety over x happening. X may or may not happen (not necessarily true), but the anxiety is very real.
The mindfulness isn't to say that it isn't, but it is to be able to notice as the emotional waves crest and fall and to observe what's happening in the body without judgment. Practice is also about maintaining focus on what we're doing so we can be engaged in the world rather than lost in thoughts about past or future or something else. I love that feeling of being fully present, but more often I'm thinking of five other things whenever I do pretty much anything.
Positive psych has some great research that has given insight into resiliency, but it's not a therapeutic approach no matter how much the books about it try to make it so.
"This needs to be the time I don't shame myself for taking medication"
Good. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't shame yourself for taking insulin. It's what your body needs, specifically your brain. I'm glad it's helping.
Love you.