NaNoWriMo 2013

Continuing my streak of 2013 being The Year of Doing Things I Always Said I'd Do (to date: half marathon, master's degree, dream job, dream town), I am totally on fire to complete a novel in November.

I've been growing an idea for awhile, and starting doing some research at the start of the month. That set off a spark of character concepts, which led to more research, and now to an outline of the first part of the book. I'm getting a sense of the "feel" which is a horror/urban fantasy vibe. Not surprising, I guess, given what I read and think about and appreciate as art.

The novel is currently without a title because I haven't found one I like. That may be more obvious as I write it. Basically, I have a former lawyer/skeptic who decides to retire from the law and start a B&B in Astoria. She quickly discovers that not only is she sharing the B&B with Mags, her partner, but also with the ghost of a Victorian era Columbia River bar pilot who has been charged with the responsibility of piloting lost souls across the River of Life and Death.

The research is fascinating and leads to more and more research. I wake up in the middle of the night with great ideas. And while I'm excited about getting started, I'm also enjoying the planning phase. I find I'm moving from being a "pantser" (someone who doesn't do much planning or research) to a "planner" and that it's calming all kinds of anxiety for me. The more I plan, the more it takes a shape I feel capable of writing.

So anyhoo, if you'd like to be a NaNoWriMo writing buddy, please add me! And whether you do or don't, prepare for lots of ... er... writing about the process of writing.

national coming out day

I'm bisexual. I didn't admit this to myself until I was in my late 30's. Is there a story? Of course there is. And it involves a woman. All the best ones do.

I met her at work, and I felt that instant pull that I have with some women over the course of my life. The pull that sometimes ended in a broken friendship, with neither of us really understanding what went wrong. This woman was different, though, or maybe I was. Maybe the timing was right for me to deal with my sexuality. Whatever it was, over time things progressed from that instant pull (which I now recognize as attraction of the romantic/sexual sort) to an admission following an evening of karaoke and a few glasses of wine. From there, it moved to a lightning fast relationship, one for which the details don't matter, save these: it was fast because it was full of revelation, it was absolutely the wrong time, and because I had no idea what to do with either complication. Probably, neither did she. I ended up with a broken heart and a very confused life.

When it was over, the aftermath lasted a long time. For awhile, I thought maybe I was lesbian - as in, not attracted to men at all. Actually, to be more accurate, I felt pressured to "choose a side." A good (bisexual) friend shared the concept of bisexual erasure with me, and it played a role in my struggle over the next few years to figure out how to deal with this revelation about myself. I'm a person who feels like they have to DO something when a big epiphany occurs, so what was I going to DO? There were several lives that would be affected, not the least of which would be my (male/hetero) partner of many years and my children. Things got very, very messy in pretty much every way. I didn't really know anyone I could talk to. It was lonely.

My closest friends know the details of this and have watched me bumble my way through. Some people kind of know things because they leaked out, or because I made an impulsive confession but never filled in "the rest of the story." No one knows ALL the details because there were many times I just shut down and stopped trying to explain to anyone else (or even myself). The person who has been steadfast, and who probably deserves THE Partner of the Millennium award is Jeff. He accepted, he waited, he loved unconditionally. I am incredibly lucky to have him, and that he's stuck around.

At the moment, what I know is this. I am bisexual. I am attracted to people. Gender isn't relevant. And I'm really picky, so (fortunately) it doesn't happen often that I have to address what (if anything) to do about it. I have always been this way. I regret the times that it complicated my female relationships because I couldn't face what was so clearly there. I get pissed when I think about how coming to terms with this part of myself has absolutely been impacted by homophobia. And now you may see my dedication to queer causes in a different light. Good. Hopefully this doesn't change anything, but if it does, at least I feel clean and honest.

So yeah. This was my year to officially announce the announcement. I'm out. I'm proud. I am bisexual, and I will not be erased.

no apologies

After blogging today about WW and HAES, and thinking about yesterday's entry about how other people's disdain colored my relationship with spiritual tradition, I find myself contemplating how often I apologize, whether inwardly or outwardly, for who I am, for the choices I made and for the way I feel. I do it so often that I will jump to the conclusion that I need to defend myself when it's not really necessary. And this is a lifetime Work for me.

I don't want to think of myself "in comparison to" (fill-in-the-blank). I'd rather think of myself "in the company of" or "in community with." That's hard to do, and is perhaps a legacy of growing up poor in the 80's... or a legacy of growing up in a media'd world, where most things are a commercial for something that's supposed to make you better/happier/shinier than you were on your own.

So I'm still taking inventory, but trying to keep it an inventory, or better yet, a story of where I am right now. And then not impose it over where someone else is right now, or where I was last hour. All roads led to here, here is pretty damned good, and I'll see where I'm going as I pass through. And... I'm not going to apologize for who I am.

Poke me if you catch me doing it, will you?

start by doing what's necessary

After the dust starts to clear (or the fog starts to lift, the silver starts to shine, choose your metaphor), I spent some time this weekend thinking about what my life DOES look like and what I'd LIKE it to look like. Okay, to be completely honest, I spent that time last night, or perhaps more accurately this morning, when I couldn't sleep after playing too much Warcraft, drinking too much caffeine and avoiding too much housework. But I digress.

Currently my life looks pretty good on the overall, which is why I'm ready to start tending seams again. What I don't like is how messy my house is, and I am going to stretch this metaphor for all it's worth. I'm talking about my literal house, my financial house, my physical house, my spiritual house... and on and on. Decades of procrastination, of wishing things would take care of themselves, of having some pretty hard hits, have taken their toll. I've managed to get myself into a pretty sweet spot here, but I think that if I'm not careful, it could disappear. And even if I take away that catastrophic thinking, I have to admit that it just doesn't look the way I'd like it to look.

I would like, for example, to have all my boxes unpacked, walls painted, decor decorated and hominess established in my literal house. I would like order and lack of clutter. This is a tough fight because I live with two clutter-makers and I'm not willing to be their maid. I'm going to have to find a happy medium. I can make it with Nina that I don't much care what her room looks like, but common areas should be tidy. But Jeff? That's a tougher nut.

I would like to have my student loan mess straightened out so that I can do IBR AND begin the ten year process of loan forgiveness for government employees. I would like to not be running the edge every month of disaster. And I know that as much as Jeff is the culprit of the literal house mess, I am the major culprit for the financial mess. I need to get on my feet so I can move forward.

Dreams are plaguing me regularly of having great difficulty walking. I know this is probably just irrational fear, but I really need to get moving. I need to eat better. And I'm writing more about this here, and will try to keep those worlds as separate as I can.

My spiritual house is two storied; the act of worship and the act of writing. Making time is the issue, and I'm not doing it. Instead, I'm choosing to spend time playing games, watching tv, drinking, whatever... all things that take me away from where I want to be. Things I find myself doing without thinking. Things I would like to enjoy in moderation, but struggle with doing so.

So I found this bookmark when I was cleaning/rearranging my cube at work. Seems like a good starting point.